Letter to Politicians at Halloween

Dear political candidates,

Your costumes above are appropriate, reflecting your  actions in Washington.  Holiday appropriate garb, but let's get serious! No tricks, no treats, folks. 

This is not a partisan comment; both major parties are treating this campaign as a joke. Lies, half truths, arguments, and my particular favorite : voting both sides of an issue.

Can't be done you say? Let me explain. The first vote on an issue you vote" for", the second vote you can vote "against. The third time? Your choice! You can claim to have voted the way best determined when the time comes.

Don't worry though, the country is watching, and I'll be out there on the second voting after doing my research.

 Oh, and don't tell me the Health Care Bill was too long to read. Take the time, people. That's akin to signing a contract you never read. Stupid, in a word. Quit sneaking in secret ammendments and attachments unrelated to bills before congress.

OOhh! OOhh! I have an idea! Let's repeal some legislation on the books and become sensible, fiscally responsible people. Whatta ya think?

Love my Constitution, Love my country! Get out and vote! Early voting begins today. Vote the clowns out of Congress

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Do you suppose you could push off Christmas another week?I am not ready; I have sewing to finish and a bit more shopping to go.

The chickens want spaghetti for Christmas, with or without sauce. The main thing is that it should be cooked al dente and served warm. It tastes better if the chickens in the opposite pen don't get any and have to watch the lucky chickens eat. Chickens have the holiday spirit of Ebenezer Scrooge before the ghosts came along.

The inside cats ask that the puppy disappears. If they can't get that, then a case of tuna will do. With parsley for garnish. I have to hold my tuna over my head between bites if the fluffy folk aren't locked up. They love it insanely.

Bear, the puppy, wants the inside cats to play with him, preferably sans hissing. He'd also like to be able to eat whatever he finds on the carpet, but that isn't advisable.

Peppy, the porch cat, wants inside permanently.

Wally,our outside tomcat, thinks Peppy should go away with Santa.

Boat, also a porch cat, wants all the cat food, better snacks, and me to hold her for hours and hours.

The rabbits (21 total to date) would like extra fresh vegetables and more twigs to chew on. Six of them want extra hay in their boxes to deliver their litters in (due on Christmas Eve). Buttercup, the crazed rabbit, wants us to disappear, not realizing we bring the food. She's better "turn over a new leaf" by settling down and becoming a good mother, or I'll have rabbit stew for New Years.

The gardens "want" watering and covering every evening.

Art got the puppy he wanted. Thanks.
What do I want? I must be one of the luckiest folk in the world. I can't really think of anything I'm desperate to have. Except that extra time I mentioned earlier? That would do nicely!

Dear Andrew Zimmern - Grasshoppers

Dear Andrew Zimmern,

I've admired your show" Bizarre Foods" for several years, and also enjoy your new series "Bizarre World. You seem to be up for any challenge.

I'll bet you have a file of recipes from your world travels. How many are for grasshoppers? An adventurous man, such as yourself, would be sure to have many interesting and delicious ways to prepare them.

Central Texas reigns as the foremost grasshopper capital of the continental U.S. Hoppers hatch out in early spring, and persevere into early winter. The supply is endless, both the crawling variety and the flying type.  Sizes vary from smaller than a Raisinette to as large as a Tootsie roll, and I don't mean a midgie. They got that size from eating my garden.

I'd like to invite you to the Central Texas Hopper Fiesta, held here at HomePlace. Response to our event has been remarkable; we'll be running the event for two days. Bring a few recipes of your own to prepare for the huge crowds expected the first day. Surely you have some prize winning ways to tempt the folks, like a Chinese marinade, or maybe a sour cream topping with caviar? Something international would be a delightful way to open the festival, as day two will have a  Tex-Mex flair.

I've admired the way you've eaten hoppers sauteed and grilled on skewers, smacking your lips with relish.  I believe you'd be the perfect judge for the contest on day two. There are categories for appetizers, entrees,  deserts, and snacks, all with a Texas accent. We'll provide some palate cleansing Lone Star , and you'll be happier and happier as you test dish after dish of Texas Hopper cuisine.

Do you enjoy desserts? I'm not trying to influence you, but I've been working on a recipe for German chocolate cake that I think is a winner.  The frosting is crunchy, yet tangy, and sets the beer off well. Who needs pecans?

Please respond by e-mail ASAP. We need to get a tent set up for you on the back of the property. A tough explorer like you would be sure to decline a hotel room with pressed cotton sheets in favor of snuggling in your sleeping bag listening to the coyotes singing. You'll have a campfire and access to a porta-potty. Nothing is too good for our honored guest!

You can build up an appetite for the cook off by swatting our mammoth mosquitoes in the dark. Who knows, you might even come up with a recipe or two for them as well. The wings aren't much, but the drumsticks are unbelievable.

Looking forward to your response.

Yours in the culinary tradition,

Helene Burnett